So, my streaming “schedule” has been fucked up lately. Depression has been royally kicking my ass. It has killed my creativity, and my motivation. I find that I have to push myself really hard in order to create simple things. That sucks.
Now, I don’t stream to “make it big”. I’m not delusional to think that I can make money by streaming. I stream because I can.
Sharing crazy or fun moments in gaming is fun. While I have tried to move away from game streams, they do still happen. Lately, I’ve tried to just focus on the creative streams, which means that I make chainmaille, draw, or even paint. I don’t have a great setup for that, so it kinda sucks. It’s always hard to get a good creative mood going when your work area isn’t conducive to actually working. I need a better desk.
I’d like to either get an art desk, or one of those adjustable standing desks. It would make things much easier. A new desk is on the list of things I’ll buy whenever I have an income again.
Guh. Financial stress is the devil. Any time I think of how little is in my bank account, I instantly fall deeper into depression. This is why depression sucks ass.
Start off depressed. Think of things that stress you out. Depression says “Well, you’ll never succeed anyway, so why bother trying?” Therefore, you never accomplish the things you need to accomplish in order to survive. I feel like I’m stuck in a constant loop. A loop that’s falling backwards down the hill.
It sucks to ask for help too. It’s like admitting my failure as a person. I can’t people right. I feel broken.
It sucks to make others feel bad when I ask too. I was discussing my lack of funds while streaming because I had a donation goal up. I mean, just about every streamer has a donation link. It’s there if people want to donate. It’s not necessary, but super helpful and awesome if someone decides to use it. I just hate that in talking about my real issues, that someone felt bad for not being able to donate.
Donations are not mandatory. Hell, I’m not a great streamer anyway, and I know I’m not that entertaining most days.
But you know what? I’m honest. I will tell you what’s going on in my life and not be ashamed about it. I have depression. I’m broke. I need help to get back on my feet. I hate it.
I keep saying that I hope things will get better. I hope this. I hope that. It’s getting hard to hope lately though. I think I’m on the emergency reserves.
It sucks that nowadays honesty is just taken as whining. Bad things are causing other bad things. Being honest seems to scare people away. It really helps me to figure out who has a spine nowadays.
Anyway, whenever my brain decides to behave again, I’ll try to get back to streaming. The one good thing about streaming is that it can get me to make chainmaille. Otherwise, I’m just sitting there talking to myself. But hey, I blog. It’s basically the same thing.